Deconstruction of a Drama Queen

And this is where I will explain how my brain works, how it gets me into such massive trouble, and why I can’t see a way out of it.

Here are the operative axioms:

• Axiom 1) I advance conversations and conditions inside my head until they are at a different place than they are in real life, and I respond to them accordingly.
• Axiom 2) The less rational I’m acting, the more I feel compelled to hit the “send” button.
• Axiom 3) I’m sure if I just explain myself, people will understand why I’ve done or said something.

Now on to the story.

I’m working on a small personal project with Persons A, B, and C.

Person A’s e-mail did not get to me with her initial plans for the project, so I was under the mistaken assumption that nobody had done anything about it until I sent initial plans. When I found out about that, I felt very badly. When I saw Person A’s plans, I didn’t like one element of it. Subsequently, Person B told me that I should include Person A’s plan because otherwise she might feel left out.

Inside my head, I played out a scenario wherein I didn’t use that aspect of the plan, and in my head, A and B got extremely angry at me. Therefore, I wrote (in real life) an extremely defensive reason why I felt that way (Axiom 3) and wrote it as if A and B were already angry at me (Axiom 1). Somehow my brain had decided that if I just got the defense out of the way, I might be able to skip the initial anger part. And yeah, I hit “send” (Axiom 2).

Now A and B are angry at me not only for not including Person A’s plan but for my attitude in the e-mail.

And now here I am explaining myself (Axiom 3) and not helping my case as well as I’d thought.

It always works the same way.

So it takes me to the next set of questions, including:

• What response did I want to get from that e-mail?
• Why do I feel the need to hit “send”?
• Why do I feel the need to explain myself?
• What did I think this whole pattern would accomplish?

I’m especially upset at myself because lately I’ve begun to have some real control over my trigger finger in these cases. I’ve stopped, I’ve decided not to say things or send things, I’ve written e-mails and not sent them, I’ve really had control.  That control lapsed today and I’m desperately afraid I won’t be able to get it back.

Here’s how it feels. When I’m upset, I’m tangentially aware of it. There’s a buzzing in my chest and a foghorn of warning ringing in my ears. But at the same time, a very noisy rabble starts up in my head encouraging me to fight past that feeling. “What, are you going to spend your life never expressing your opinion?” they say. “Do you want to go back to that depressed teenage lump that was so afraid of conflict that she never met anyone’s eye in the school hallways and ended up being thought of as the psycho throughout the school?”

(The same rabble, incidentally, tells me when I’m angry that the worst possible thing in the world would be apologizing. It’s like complete and utter defeat, and it sickens me through and through to know that eventually I will probably get all soggy like a wet Cheerio and crumple and say Oh I’m Sorry It’s All My Fault, which essentially means that I will never, ever, ever be on the right side in an argument; I will never win one; I will always be the one that gives in; I have no spine. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to even think about it.)

The rabble is wrong, of course, because I’m not welcoming the conflict. By speaking out, I’m not standing up for what I know is right. I’m just asserting my existence on this earth because I feel so often like I am invisible and will be forgotten. Therefore I act out; therefore, when the criticism comes it feels like criticism of me and not criticism of my opinion. Of course, when I act out in irrational ways, it is criticism of me, and it’s justified.

It’s the same thing I do in every other part of life, really. I assert myself and demand acceptance and when I don’t get it I lash out. This goes back to what I said in another post here, when I said I don’t think I’ve actually said something until it’s heard. I don’t think I exist unless someone validates my existence. But no amount of validation is enough.

I think if I post this publicly, someone will see me and hear me and know that the reason I did what I did is not because I’m egotistical but because I’m shattered inside. Not because I want to hurt others but because I’m trying desperately to protect myself from being hurt. But in the end it’s what I do, not what I intend, that matters.

That’s what I wanted, I guess, was just an “OK, I see what you’re saying.”

I’m going to really have to watch myself today. And that, too, drives me crazy, because it’s unfair that I should have to watch myself when I’m the one who’s upset. Everyone else should have to watch themselves instead. They’re happy and rational; they can afford to. I’m unhappy and irrational, therefore I should have some leeway. Isn’t that the most bizarre definition of fairness you’ve evre heard?

Somehow I’m also going to have to avoid stress eating, too. Now THAT will suck.